BioSchlock

I apologise for the title of this post. It sounds like something out of Mad Magazine. Actually, it’s not even that good. It’s like something out of Cracked, the magazine, not the website. The Cracked website titles all their posts in the “The n Most x y, where n is a number, x is an adjective, and y is an element of pop culture that is meant to seem ironic. But I digress.

The title of this post is so terrible for two reasons: 1. Everything on this blog is terrible and 2. I actually enjoyed playing the BioShock demo. Much has been written already about BioShock, but I have tried not to read it. Writing about video games tend to range from blatant marketing boilerplate (“BioShock is a revolution in the shooter genre that will forever change the expectations for the FPS”) to shameless, unsubstantiated fanboy masturbation (“An unparalleled achievement. No other game comes even remotely close to it in terms of raw emotional connection.”). Avoiding all the “literature” about BioShock left me a little in the dark as to what the game is actually about. After playing through the demo, however, I’m pretty sure BioShock will be a pretty rockin’ game.

Now, some of you are probably saying, “But Shawn, the BioShock demo was short, basically a tutorial. You can’t possibly make a judgment of the game as whole based on such a small sample!” Yes I can. BioShock features the classic stun-and-smash style of gameplay that I find so endearing. You use your genetically-enhanced powers to stun enemies, then run up and beat the shit out of them with a wrench. And, judging from the trailer that ended the demo, the character will eventually gain the abilities to freeze and/or burn enemies before running up and beating the shit out of them with a wrench. I always enjoy such diverse gameplay.

But the thing that really sold me on BioShock was the little girl. In the demo, there is a little girl followed around by a giant robot. This girl possesses some sort of powerful something or other, which is why she needs a giant robot bodyguard. It’s clear from the trailer that the giant robots are enemies, so it stands to reason that the little girl is also an enemy. So basically, BioShock is a game about fighting off giant robots so you can murder a little girl and steal her mysterious powers.

Let’s be honest with each other, everyone has the primal urge to murder small children, especially children guarded by giant robots. But, as mature and largely law-abiding members of society, most of us repress those urges and actively avoid hunting down and murdering little girls. Just as the Grand Theft Auto games let us live out all our tank-stealing fantasies, and just as Ocarina of Time gave us a means to repeatedly kick chickens, without the societal or legal ramifications we would face in the real world, it looks like BioShock will be the game that finally allows us to freeze, electrocute, and/or napalm small children. And it’s about damn time.