Oh boy, I’ve been waiting for this day to come. The day I learned there was a Bollywood remake of Oldboy, I added the movie to my Netflix queue, and there it sat as I patiently waited for the DVD release. The day finally arrived, idiots, and I have watched Zinda, along with the endless series of Bollywood ads that precede the feature and that can’t be skipped. There was even a Bollywood anti-piracy ad, although it was much more tastefully done than the “You wouldn’t steal the plans to the Death Star” ads that taint Hollywood DVD releases.
I suppose I should preface this Awesome Movie Review by admitting that I know very little, if anything, about Bollywood films or Indian culture in general. I have Indian friends. I’ve played basketball with Indians, canoed with Indians and even stayed up late watching softcore porn with a handsome Indian boy whom I roomed with for a year while at university. But despite my years of exposure to Indian people, not once did one of my friends watch a Bollywood film or suddenly break out into a choreographed dance routine. At least not while I was around. So Zinda aws pretty much my first exposure to the world of Bollywood filmmaking.
Now naturally I know about the stereotypes of Bollywood. Musical numbers, dance numbers, colorful saris and all that. So when I found out that Oldboy, a dark, violent and downright fucked up Korean revenge film, was getting the Bollywood treatment, my curiosity was piqued. How would Sanjay Gupta incorporate all the wacky musical elements of Bollywood while still retaining all the violence and general fuckedupness of Oldboy? Well, it turns out that the Bollywood treatment might not be all that I thought it was.
Yes, there are songs in Zinda, but not what you could call musical numbers. No one starts dancing. There are no overhead camera shots. The songs are more like a voiceover narration, providing musical insight into the thoughts of Balajeet Roy, who is trying to find something to live for after being locked in a room for fourteen years. Bala’s first thought is, naturally, revenge: finding the people responsible and punishing them. That much of the movie is in sync with Oldboy. And, as in Oldboy, Bala meets a sexy young lady who assists him, they get it on and Bala has a wide variety of violent confrontations with those who helped to keep him imprisoned. Hand tools are prominently featured. But as Zinda progresses, it deviated further from the path of the original.
The problem with doing an Awesome Movie Review of Zinda is that it is, in some ways, also an Awesome Movie Review of Oldboy. I considered doing an Awesome Movie Review of Oldboy, but eventually decided against it. Not that I have anything against Oldboy. It easily would have received five tiny heads of Sergei Eisenstein. It’s just that, in writing an Awesome Movie Review, I have a tendency to give away major plot points. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love ruining the movie-watching experience for you idiots by revealing major plot points. For example, in Mission: Impossible III, Billy Crudup is the villain. He tries to make it seem like Larry Fishburne is the villain, but that’s just a red herring. And Tom Cruise’s wife kills Billy Crudup because M:I-3 is a contemporary American action movie, and in any contemporary American action movie, the female lead must, in the last 15 minutes of the movie, go from being a helpless victim to a highly-efficient, unflappable death bringer. Also, Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze, Darth Vader is Luke’s father and Traci Lords lied about her age, so you’re watching child porn, you fucking perv. See, wasn’t that fun?
As much fun as it is giving away spoilers, I just can’t do it for Oldboy. Revealing the twist that comes towards the end of the movie would be a sin. Those of you who have seen Oldboy know what I’m talking about. Those of you who haven’t are idiots. Watch Oldboy. It rocks.
Without revealing the secrets of Oldboy, let me just say that the makers of Zinda took the cowardly way out. They went along with the plot of Oldboy up until Bala’s final confrontation with his tormentor, then everything falls apart. Sure, they try to throw in some garbage about Internet broadcasts of underage prostitution, but that’s nothing compared to Oldboy. And Zinda even tacks on a shamelessly happy ending, which is downright inexcusable in a revenge tale.
A good revenge play should not have a happy ending. Did Orestes find a happy ending after avenging his father’s death? No, he got chased by the Furies for an entire damn play. Of course, then the Gods let him off the hook, so maybe that’s a bad example. But in the revenge works of Thomas Kyd and Shakespeare–which are the revenge dramas that matter most–no one gets off easy. Revenge brings pain and suffering to all those involved, and even to some who have absolutely no stake in the conflict. The ending of Oldboy might not be entirely Shakespearean in magnitude, but it’s certainly not what would be considered a traditionally happy ending. At best, it might be described as oddly bittersweet, with just a little bit of depressing thrown in for added flavour. Zinda, on the other hand, doesn’t approach anywhere near Shakespearean in magnitude, which is a damn shame.
I must say, I was impressed with much of what I saw during the first eighty minutes or so of Zinda. Sanjay Dutt might not be the prototypical action hero, but the fight scenes aren’t terrible, although the direction of fight where Bala beats off a bunch of dudes with his trusty hammer wasn’t nearly as impressive as Chan-wook Park’s version. And for some reason, Zinda looks really bluish. I don’t know if it’s a DVD thing or intentional, but it’s kinda stupid. It’s bad enough that I’m sitting in my chair wondering “When is everybody gonna start dancing?” the last thing the director needs is for me also to be wondering “Why the fuck is everything so damn bluish?”
Bluishness aside, Zinda is a difficult movie to rate. My ignorance of Bollywood features led me to expect something completely ridiculous; a watered-down song-and-dance musical with none of the elements that made Oldboy so damned awesome. But that’s not what Zinda is. The songs don’t really add anything to the film, but they don’t really distract from the plot either. Much of the violence of Oldboy is retained in Zinda, albeit in a slightly more Segalish fashion. What it really comes down to is the ending.
If I were able to judge Zinda in a vacuum, ignoring any relation to Oldboy, I’d say it was a pretty decent movie. A three tiny heads of Sergei Eisenstein type of movie. But, unfortunately, I can’t judge a movie in a vacuum. For I, like nature, abhor a vacuum. Unless it’s one of them bitchin’ English vacuums that never lose suction. Those things are boss. It is impossible for me to judge Zinda without comparing it to Oldboy. And while I said that Zinda, in a perfect world, might be a three tiny heads of Sergei Eisenstein movie, the timid plot changes and cowardly happy ending merit a penalty of one tiny head of Sergei Eisenstein, giving Zinda a final rating of two tiny heads of Sergei Eisenstein. I suppose one could make an interesting and insightful comparison of Zinda and Oldboy, using the two films to compare artistic elements of the two cultures. But that’s not really my scene. I don’t know much about Indians and the only thing I know about Koreans is that they can’t be Ichiro! when it matters. Team Japan 4Ever!!!
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