First, an explanation. I did not want to rent The Ex. I rented it due to circumstances beyond my control.
I rent movies from Blockbuster. I know everyone is canceling their Blockbuster online memberships, but I’m sticking with them until they stop allowing me to exchange movies. And don’t try to sing the praises of Netflix and their online movie watching. That only works for people who aren’t pretentious assholes. It’s not an option for me.
So, I go into Blockbuster to exchange a movie, hoping to rent the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie. But that was out-of-stock. I browsed through the other movies, looking for an amusing comedy. The best I could find was Pucked, starring Bon Jovi and Estella Warren. Unfortunately, due to the realities of renting at Blockbuster, I could not rent that movie.When you rent a movie from Blockbuster, you take the DVD case to the counter, letting the Blockbuster employee see the cover of the movie you are renting. This means that the employees will judge me based on the quality of the DVD cases I present them. Or at least that’s what I assume they do. So any sort of zany sex comedy is out of the question. I will not have the employees at Blockbuster thinking that I am a lonely perv who rents titty movies at 11 AM on a Monday. As you can see, I had no choice but to rent The Ex, and it is a decision I will regret for the rest of my natural life.
I like Zach Braff. I would gladly watch feature films based on World’s Most Giant Doctor or Dr. Acula. And since I often claim that Arrested Development is the fourth-greatest television program of all time, it’s really no surprise that I also like Jason Bateman. I do not care for Amanda Peet. She has never made an movie that’s been anywhere close to decent, and I doubt she ever will. She is a bland, female version of Dabney Coleman, but without The Man With One Red Shoe to redeem her career. If you have a child, friend, or loved one who wants to attend Columbia University, just remember that Amanda Peet went to Columbia. Do you really want your child, friend, or loved one to go to a school that was willing to matriculate and graduate the likes of Amanda Peet?
But enough about Amanda Peet. The Ex is a terrible movie for many reasons other than Amanda Peet. Well, that’s not entirely true. The movie is terrible because it is based entirely around the assumptions that Amanda Peet is worth fighting over and that all handicapped people are complete dicks. Basically, Amanda Peet is responsible for 50% of the awfulness of The Ex.
A brief plot synopsis: Amanda Peet and Zach Braff have a baby. Amanda Peet stays at home with the baby. Zach Braff loses his job, then takes a job with Amanda Peet’s dad’s company, where he works with Jason Bateman, who had a relationship with Amanda Peet. Also, Jason Bateman is in a wheelchair, has a giant wang, and is a complete dick about everything. And that’s pretty much the whole movie. Essentially, The Ex is a shitty Farrelly brothers movie. “But Shawn,” you might ask, “How can something be even shittier than a Farrelly brothers movie?” Trust me, The Ex makes the Farrelly brothers look the Lumière brothers. The Ex is an awful movie. There is nothing even remotely funny and the talents of Donal Logue are completely wasted. But it features a cameo from the guy who played Bob (of Bob and Cedric on Seinfeld, so that’s worth something. On my scale of one to five tiny heads of Sergei Eisenstein, I give The Ex one-half of a tiny head of Sergei Eisenstein.
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