Let The Countdown Begin

November 19th, idiots, that’s the day video gaming as we know it will be forever changed. November 19th is the day when The King, of Burger King fame, will make his gaming debut, on both the Xbox and the Xbox, Again?. I can’t wait. I want to be the first person on my block to command the Subservient Chicken and bump Brooke Burke into submission. Once I get a few more rolls of duct tape, I’m going to try to finish my time machine, so I can go into the future and get the games before everyone else. For those of you too lazy or illiterate to read the linked article, here are the descriptions of the three games, with the appropriate emphasis added:

“Pocketbike Racer” – In the wild world of Pocketbike racing, players race the King and his miniature motorbike crew through five fun, yet challenging speedways. Each track varies in level of difficulty, and players navigate long straights, tight bends and sharp turns at high speeds while attempting to earn enhancements and tools that they can use as an advantage over opponents. Featuring HAVE IT YOUR WAY® customization options, players select a bike and a driver and then hit the track of their choice — a BURGER KING® restaurant parking lot, a construction site, a backyard, the King’s garden or the Fantasy Ranch set. In addition to individual play, four players can race against each other in classic split-screen set-up, or eight players can battle it out online using XBOX Live.

“Big Bumpin’” – Big Bumpin’ looks like a traditional carnival bumper car ride and features familiar BURGER KING® personalities, including the Subservient Chicken and Brooke Burke. But, there’s a catch – Big Bumpin’ arenas come with some big hazards, like surprise saws, bottomless pits and “power up” items that let gamers dole out thundering bumps. With several different types of game play, gamers have a chance to hone their bumper car skills in a variety of challenging scenarios. The game features five theme parks, including the “Ice Box,” “Broiler,” “King’s Court,” “The Deep” and “Monsoon of Doom,” and multiple modes of play for each, such as intense four-player and XBOX Live-supported. Easy to learn. Fun to play. Difficult to avoid a major crash.

“Sneak King” – Players step into the King’s royal shoes and use cunning and stealth to sneak up behind unsuspecting people and bestow them with a delicious meal. The goal of Sneak King is to surprise hungry citizens with BURGER KING® sandwiches and other menu items before they pass out from hunger. Whether in a logging yard, construction site, suburban neighborhood or downtown urban scene — each rich with detail and hidden pathways — players can hide out and earn points based on how elaborately the delivery is executed.

I am not joking when I say that these games will revolutionize the gaming industry. The release period of the games should coincide with the debuts of the both the PS3 and the Wii, which will put gamers in a difficult bind. Naturally those of us who value innovation, imagination and hiding in garbage cans will support the King. Those who cream their cords over gimmicky controllers and survival horror trash will waste their monies on the PS3 or Wii. The King will separate the gaming wheat from the gaming chaff. Support the King and you support the purity of gaming, gaming as it was meant to be: fun and silly and just a little bit creepy. Buy a Wii or a PS3 and you support the homogenized frat boy rubbish that gaming has become.

Mark my words idiots: these three games from Burger King will the greatest additions to the promotional tie-in genre of gaming since Moonwalker, which just happens to be the greatest dance fighting game of all time. I say support the King, for apparently they have very clever and creative people working for them over at Burger King, something that cannot be said about most other fast food chains.