One-Act Play Set In A Chinese Aquarium

Chinese Fish Doctor 1: Hey Dr. Lee, what do you think is wrong with those dolphins?
Chinese Fish Doctor 2: I don’t know, Dr. Li. They have looked pretty down lately.
CFD 1: Should we cook them?
CFD 2: No. I think they might have something stuck in their stomachs.
CFD 1: You mean like maybe five children, a goat and a rock?
CFD 2: Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck is wrong with you?
CFD 1: Well, I just thought maybe…
CFD 2: I know what you thought. You thought, “Oh look at me! I’m Dr. Li and used to watch Hercules: The Legendary Journeys ’cause that chick who played Aphrodite had a kickin’ rack, so now I’m going to drop all sorts of mythology references, regardless of whether the situation even warrants such references.”
CFD 1: Dude…
CFD 2: Don’t you fucking ‘dude’ me! How dare you fucking ‘dude’ me? Just because you had cable doesn’t make you better than me. There’s more to being an intelligent hipster Chinese Fish Doctor than random, uncalled for allusions, you know.
CFD 1: Okay, sorry. Forget I mention it. Do you think we should cut them open and try to find what’s inside?
CFD 2: We’re fish doctors, Li, what the fuck do we know about dolphins?
CFD 1: Maybe we can reach down the dolphins’ throats and reach into their stomachs.
CFD 2: But we’re Chinese! Our limbs are so tiny, like those of a child.
CFD 1: We could get Ian McKellan to do it. He’s pretty lanky.
CFD 2: No, I think he’s only here for the pussy.
Enter Sir Ian McKellan
Sir Ian: Ching chong ching, you crazy yellow bastards! Now where’s my China pussy?
CFD 2: Um, about that. This is an aquarium, we have fishes and aquatic mammals.
CFD 1: But if you’re truly intersted in some female companionship, there are a variety of local brothels with a diverse selection of underage slave girls for your perusal. It’s right down that road, just take a right at the little shop that sells bootleg DVDs, tiger penis soup and hamburgers made out of puppies.
Exit Sir Ian McKellan
CFD 1: Hey, you know who would be able to reach into the dolphins’ stomach? The world’s tallest man!
CFD 2: Brilliant! We won’t even need surgical equipment, which is great because, as I mentioned earlier, we’re fish doctors and thus know very little about the inner workings of mammals.
CFD 1: Okay, it’s settled then. You go find the world’s tallest man and I’ll get some really long towels that we can use to help open the dolphins’ mouths.
CFD 2: And bring a towel for the tall guy, too. His arm’s gonna be pretty funky after he shoves it down two dolphin throats.
CFD 1: Good thinking, Dr. Lee. Man, it sure feels good to be on the cutting-edge of medical technology.
CFD 2: Damn straight, Dr. Li. When that tall dude shoves his arm down that dolphin’s throat, we’ll be ushering in a new era of Chinese veterinary superiority.