By now all of you have probably heard about the fancy new iPhone, which apparently will feature only one button and use a touch screen for everything else. Apple really seems hardcore about reducing the number buttons in their products. The iPod’s click-wheel is nifty and everything, but I actually enjoy all the buttons on my iriver player. I can toggle shuffle mode and switch between MP3s and FM radio, all without having to look down at a screen. That’s pretty handy, if you ask me. But Apple doesn’t seem to think so.
When I read the little blurb in the newspaper about the iPhone and its lone button, the first thing that popped into my mind was, “Boy, Apple sure does hate buttons.” I made the mistake of assuming that this whole one-button philosophy was of Apple’s creation. But it’s not. Apple just stole the idea from the classic Super Nintendo game Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball. All that Apple does to make their devices streamlined, stylish and easy to use is clearly a direct result of the success of Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball.
For those of you unfamiliar with Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball, here’s the game description:
When Bill Laimbeer played in the NBA, he wasn’t exactly known for his sportsmanlike conduct. Now he’s brought his rough-and-tumble style of basketball action to the SNES with BILL LAIMBEER’S COMBAT BASKETBALL. It’s the year 2030, and Laimbeer is the commissioner of the pro basketball league. Seeing as he’s in charge, he fires all the refs and throws the rulebook out the window basketball the way he likes it.Now the players wear armor as weapons and mines are thrown from the stands, adding a whole new element to the game of hoops. You can create your own league of combat basketball by buying and selling players with up to seven other people in the league. Forget everything you know about the modern game of basketball, and get ready for a futuristic look at the game with BILL LAIMBEER’S COMBAT BASKETBALL.
Also, the game is played entirely using the B button.
That’s right, idiots, 15 years ago, when Apple was floundering in failure and mediocrity, Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball was revolutionizing the simple usability that would eventually turn Apple into a household brand. While other Super Nintendo games made use of all six Super Nintendo buttons–including games like Street Fighter II that encouraged all sorts of complex multi-button sequences–the makers of Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball prophetically realized that one button is really all you need. It’s all a matter of context. If you’re moving, then B passes or tackles. If you’re standing still, B shoots or jumps. You can’t get much simpler than that.
So in a few month or a year or whenever you get your filthy hands on a shiny new iPhone, just remember: you owe it all to Bill Laimbeer’s Combat basketball. Without the ease-of-use guidelines set down by the visionaries at Hudson Soft, Apple would still be cranking out boxy little computers and useless PDAs. 100 years from now, when the people of the future look back upon the iPod generation, they won’t call it “The iPod Generation.” Oh no. In the future, it will be called “The Bill Laimbeer Combat Basketball-Influence Music Player Generation.”
We are not so far from 2030, when a 73 year old Bill Laimbeer will rule the NBA. We are even closer to 2015, when flying cars will be powered by garbage and our Hoverboards will still not be able to cross a small pond.
I don’t think that all cars would necessarily be powered by garbage. I always thought Herr Fusion was just a convenient and environmentally friendly way for Doc to generate the 1,21 jigawatts of electricity necessary for time travel. Also, I assure you I will own a quality hoverboard. And by 2030, the 73-year-old Bill Laimbeer will be dominated the integrated WNBA as the player-coach for the Detroit Shock.
Bill Laimbeer’s Combat WNBA. Like “Dead or Alive”, but with basketball. I think you’re really on to something. I’m not fucking joking, either. Figure out which of the WNBA players people would most want to see the clothes ripped off of, get them to model for 3D motion capture naked, and remake BLCB for the XBox, Again? or the Playstation 3. Help market the WNBA and sell a video game people will love. Holy crap. I think this would be brilliant.
Hey, I’m not the software tycoon here, so the burden isn’t on me to create such a game. And I think you’re missing the point. Nudity and the WNBA should not mix. Ever. And a game with naked WNBA players would never sell. We must learn from the lesson of GTA: San Andreas. Sex and nudity will cause a game to get an AO rating and pulled from the shelves of the important mall video game retailers. The bastards at GameStop wouldn’t buy back my copy of San Andreas. However, violence towards women is perfectly acceptable. Thus, any video game update of Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball should naturally involve an aged Bill Laimbeer just beating the living shit out of WNBA stars. And the WNBA will have to go along with it because, quite frankly, they need the money. I will say that this is the type of moment where I wish that I were capable of learning and applying useful real world skills, so I could use that XNA thing to create all sorts of wacky games for my Xbox, Again?. But sadly, the useful parts of my brain turned to mush with the advent of high speed internet connections. I guess the world will never see any of my brilliant video game ideas, like Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball: Xtreme Bitchslap Edition, Cereal Rapist, Super Morrissey Brothers, and Vin Diesel’s xXxtreme Kart Racing.