How long did it take me to realize that Hanzo the Razor: Sword of Justice would be a totally rockin’ flick? About 15 seconds. From the opening credits, with its funky 70′s score and a split-screen montage of Shintarô Katsu strutting his badass samurai stuff, I knew this movie could do no wrong. What I did not realize in those first 15 seconds, however, was that I was about to watch a movie that could easily be described as a bizarre and fucked-up samurai version of 24.
Like Jack Bauer in 24, Hanzo Itami is a cop who plays by his own set of rules. This becomes evident in the opening scene, where Hanzo refuses to sign a blood oath and engages in a yelling match with his superiors. Now I don’t know all that much about the Japanese culture or language, but I do know that there is nothing more entertaining than Japanese people arguing. It’s like the language is made for yelling. The dialogue starts out slow and measured but, as the argument progresses, the words become faster and louder, resulting in a final line where the person yells something super fast and his voice either raises or lowers in pitch, depending on the quality of the character. SinceHanzo is the samurai Jack Bauer, and, therefore, a badass , his voice lowers as he finishes yelling. It’s no coincidence that the Japanese style of arguing bears such a striking similarity to theKiefer Sutherland school of acting. Kiefer obviously watched many a samurai movie before perfecting his trademark acting technique of whispering a few lines and then screaming, “Drop your weapon!” at the top of his lungs.
Another similarity between Hanzo and Jack Bauer is the way in which they sacrifice their bodies for their work. Jack developed a heroin addiction, shaved off abitchin’ Grizzly Adams beard, and was more than willing to give up his own life for the good of his country. Hanzo also subjects his body to extreme torture for his work, but it’s a different kind of torture. Basically, Hanzo has a constantly erect wang that is, even by Japanese standards, quite massive. Hanzo’s dong is his most imporant tool in the fight against crime, so he trains it as he would any other part of his body. Well, maybe not exactly like every other part of his body. Basically, he sets his schlong on a stool with a cock-shaped groove, then beats it with a stick. Then he humps a sack of rice, an act which, oddly enough, is shot from the dong’s point of view. Really, this movie should be called Hanzo the Cudgel: Penis of Impartiality.
So Hanzo and his battered wang head out to help round up some ruffians, when he finds out that an exiled murderer has apparently returned to Edo. Knowing this seems a bit fishy, Hanzo investigates. He finds the killer’s average-looking mistress and interrogates her. Like Jack Bauer, Hanzo uses controversial and extreme interrogation techniques. But while Jack uses electrocution, gun shot wounds to the leg and threats to kill a suspect’s family, Hanzo uses his wang. He ties the girl up, bends her over, and sexes her up good, eventually leaving her begging for more and willing to answer any question. This rape/interrogation scene is one of the strangest I have ever seen. DirectorKenji Misumi frames the scene like an elementary school photos, where the ugly little kid is standing in front of autumn backdrop and up in the corner there’s another picture in semi-profile. Misumi superimposes that image over an abstract representation of extreme gynecological penetration. And everything is set to a romatic smooth jazz score.
Through his interrogation, Hanzo learns that this mystery is more complex than he could ever imagine. It goes all the way up to the royal palace, which means Hanzo has to interrogate a decent-looking friend of the royal family. This time he uses a slightly more elaborate interrogation technique: he puts the chick in a net and has his servants raise and lower her onto his erectschlong. Once again, the lady can’t get enough of the samurai wang and gives Hanzo all the information he needs.
Oh shit! I can’t believe I forgot about the part where the servant crouches in an outhouse to watch a chick pee. You might think that sounds exploitative and frivolous, but I assure you, it was completely essential to the plot. The servant needed to find out if the chick had a hairless crotch. How else would he be able to find out something like that?
Getting back to the main plot, once Hanzo finds out how keep the killer-freeing conspiracy really is, a bunch of people dressed a fireman try to kill him. Although, I have to admit I didn’t really know that they were dressed as firemen until the subtitles pointed it out for me. Feudal Japanese firemen dress a lot like assassins. Since I don’t want to give everything away, I won’t reveal the result of the final, Shakespearean in magnitude showdown. I will, however, reveal thatHanzo will be back in Hanzo the Razor: The Snare, which I will awesomely review once I get it in the mail.
It should be no surprise to any of you idiots that I absolutely loved Hanzo the Razor: Sword of Justice. Like 24 it has everything one could possibly ask for: a violent protagonist, ridiculouslyunbelievable (yet awesome) plot twists, and some occasionally preachy dialogue to make it seem like all the shamelessly violent action is actual part of some metaphysical musing upon the essential nature of justice and law. Plus it has a pudgy Japanese dude smacking hiswang with a stick. How often are you going to see that? On my scale of one to five tiny heads of Sergei Eisenstein, I give Hanzo the Razor: Sword of Justice five tiny heads of Sergei Eisenstein.
“This rape/interrogation scene is one of the strangest I have ever seen.”
And just how many rape/interrogation scenes have you seen?
I’ve been watching the wrong movies.
Okay, so maybe I haven’t seen all that many rape/interrogation scenes. But in lots of Japanese pornos the girl gets asked a bunch of questions before a pack of tiny little men pretend to rape her, so I guess that sorta counts. And, of course, there’s the most famous rape/interrogation scene in the history of cinema: when Charlton Heston rapes Orson Welles in the original ending of Touch of Evil.
When you say “tiny little men”, do you literally mean people one foot or less in size, or do you just mean small by American standards? Why do you say they only pretend to rape her? Is it a pretend rape because it’s porno, and the actual actress is not being raped but is rather being paid to act like she is being raped, or is it a pretend rape in terms of her character not actually being raped in the plot of the movie?
Are there really people that small? Even Johnny Eck (or Johnny Half-Boy) of Freaks fame was 30 inches. And it’s pretend rape because it’s a porno. For example, check out this review of Yakouchuu, a Japanese porno where the male actor is invisible and uses said invisibility to take advantage of all sorts of sexy ladies. I haven’t seen that exact movie, but I have seen more than one variation on the whole invisible man molests unsuspecting Japanese girls theme, which is something I’m not sure should make me feel proud or ashamed.
First off, babies are often less than 12″. I’m sure that’s not what you meant, but I do remember Gaurav’s mom occasionally having a very short visitor. I mean super short, not much bigger than the cat short. Maybe not as short as 12″, but not much more than that either. Anyway, you never did answer the question of how tiny they were or whether you meant any particular parts of them were tiny. For all you know, I was using “short” to be the opposite of “long”, not “tall”.
Next, thanks for turning me on to that hilarious review site. Awesome.
Finally, it seems like you are only calling it a pretend rape because it’s a movie. If the only reason it’s pretend rape is because it’s a movie as opposed to something that occurred in real life, I don’t think it’s necessary to call it “pretend”.
According to a Google search, the world’s smallest man is 28 inches tall. There’s no fucking way that I’ll ever believe in the existence of ruler-sized people. When I say tiny, I mean short in stature, not in wangage. I have no business mocking the dong size of others. And, in my definition, tiny is anyone under 5′ 9″.
I think a distinction has to be made between narrative cinema and pornography. Most porn nowadays does not even bother with plot or story. This is especially true in Japanese porn. Instead, porn is presented in a form closer to a documentary style. To put it simply, porn is Borat. It’s real, yet staged, and there’s way too much male nudity. While it’s true that calling a part of a movie “pretend” might seem a tad redundant, I feel it’s a necessary distinction to indicate that I’m not watching Japanese snuff movies, nor one of those shitty amateur pornos that attempt to stage a realistic looking rape.
On the subject of small men and rape, the Washington Post has a story today about a 29-year old sex offender who posed as a 12-year old 7th grader at several middle schools in the western suburbs of Phoenix, right in your backyard! (This story is exceptionally strange because the guy had 3 accomplices, 2 of whom posed as his legal guardians but were unaware that he was not a child! They were reportedly mighty pissed off at finding out that the 12-year old the thought they had been having sex with was actually an adult.) Anyway, my question is, what is the school wide scuttlebutt on this in-your-backyard story?
Actually, this went down over in Surprise, which is where my parents live. And it was at a charter school, so those elitist bastards deserved what they got. As a public school employee, this situation has forced me to raise my alertness level. If I see anyone eating lunch in my cafeteria who looks either younger than kindergarten age or older than a sixth grader, I plan to beat them with a homemade cudgel, just as a precaution. But I don’t really know what the parents, students or teachers at my school think about all this. I try not to talk to the teachers or the deadbeat, white trash, meth addict parents, and the only students who talk to me are the asthmatic ADD kids, so I’m kinda out of the loop.
Although, I do know that right now the big controversy at my school is in regards to the afternoon hip-hop program, which is a afterschool program that encourages fitness through dancing. Apparently, the instructor for the program is always late and one time he didn’t even show up. The stupid kids sat outside the portable classroom for 45 minutes before one of them decided to come inside and tell somebody. And the nimrod night janitors didn’t even wonder why a group of a children were all sitting unattended outside a classroom. And the music the program uses also contains lots of profanity and sexual innuendo, something the parents are just finding out about.
Actually, the big scuttlebutt at my school is about three dumbass high school students who, over summer break, broke into a portable classroom, stole a VCR and then broke in through the ceiling in the main building, where they tried to rappel down with a rope, but ended up falling through through the cheap-ass ceiling tiles. They got away with it at the time (there are no cameras or night security at my school), but the shitheads took pictures of everything on their cell phones. I guess one of the kids was showing off these photos the other day in school, where cell phones are not allowed. The principal saw the phone, went over to confiscate it and, subsequently, saw the vandalism pictures. After calling around to other schools in the area, the principal confirmed that the pictures were of the vandalism at my school, and the police made a big show of arresting the students responsible on-campus and during school hours. Well, one of the kids was already under house arrest, so they had to arrest him at home. But other than that, nothing much is going on.