Awesome Movie Review: Sahara

Sahara is a lame movie, for a variety of reasons that I will attempt to address in this post. The lameness of Sahara begins even before the actual movie starts, as Paramount decided to slap on that silly “Piracy is a crime” ad. You’ve probably seen it on other DVDs. It says stuff like, “You wouldn’t steal a purse” and “You wouldn’t steal a cell phone” and other nonsense like that. I already have a cell phone, so of course I’m not going to steal one. And men don’t carry purses. Although I could use a backpack. But I can’t steal a backpack. In order to steal a backpack, I’d need a backpack to put it inside. So unless I can find some way to make a backpack collapse in upon itself, I won’t be stealing one anytime soon. But I’ve got no problem stealing movies off the Internet. Paramount can suck it, and by ‘it’ I mean genitalia. Not necessarily my genitalia–I’m not that easy–but maybe something like hobo genitalia or busker genitalia.

Unfortunately, the lameness of Sahara does not end with the pre-film commercials. Oh no, it goes on for another two hours. Two damn hours of generic, uninspired “action-adventure” garbage. It really bothers me how studios spend shitloads of money on these big budget type movies, hiring four, five or even seventeen writer, but they can never seem to come up with something original. For instance, in Sahara Matthew McConaughey and Steve Zahn play treasure hunters. But they’re not any ordinary treasure hunters. They’re also ex-Navy SEALs who have also been trained in desert ambush techniques and the priming, aiming and firing of 19th Century artillery. Why can’t there be an action-adventure movie with regular characters. Say like, I don’t know, an action-sports superstar who saves the world not because he’s been trained to do so, but because he is forced to do so by the government. That’s the type of action hero we all can identify with.

Sadly, the writers of Sahara aren’t that clever. So McConaughey and Zahn come off as your standard, run-of-the-mill supermen action stars, characters who have the know-how to solve any problem and the ability to run directly at someone shooting a rifle at them and somehow not get shot. Now, I’m willing to suspend disbelief to a certain extent; I understand that Penélope Cruz is eventually going to learn how to kick ass and throw dynamite, even though her character’s training as a WHO doctor probably didn’t cover the finer points of jumping out of helicopters, climbing out of wells and firing assault rifles. I understand that, in modern action-adventure movies, the main female character is only allowed to be a damsel in distress up until the last 25 minutes. At that point, she must suddenly develop ass-kicking skills and save the life of at least one male protagonist. Then she must make a lame joke about it and he must make a equally lame joke about having everything under control. That’s just the way lame action-adventure movie banter works. However, I will not sit idly by while director Breck Eisner–a fucking PA on Tango & Cash–tries to pass off McConaughey and Zahn as Navy SEALs. Were they part of the confused stoner brigade. Do the Navy SEALs even have brigades? I don’t know. But if they do, McConaughey and Zahn would never cut it. It’s just not believable.

Instead of casting pretty boy hillbillies as highly trained and efficient soldiers, how about casting everyday people. When Werner Herzog needed a crazy dude to play Kaspar Hauser, did he just hire some sexy German dude? No, he got himself an actual crazy dude. That’s the way action-adventure movies should be made. Instead of people like Matthew McConaughey and Matt Damon, it should be people like me starring in action-adventure movies. I think I would make a dynamic action hero. I am beguiling, enthralling and beloved by rocking teen combos throughout Central Jersey. And I work for sandwiches. What’s not to like? I’ll admit my acting experience is limited (I’ve performed as Obi-Wan Kenobi in a German version of The Empire Strikes Back and I played six different roles (4 speaking) in a German version of Back to the Future) but I’m a quick learner. And I can’t be any worse an actor than Brendan Fraser or AntiChrist Affleck.

The lameness of Sahara reaches its apex at the incredibly un-Shakespearean in magnitude ending, wherein our heroes accidentally stumble upon a Civil War ironclad ship, which made its way across the Atlantic and up a river (which was deeper than it should have been because of a massive rainstorm) but then was buried in the sand (when the river apparently dried up instantly) and manage to shoot a helicopter out of the sky using one shot from a cannon that hasn’t been fired in 150 years. That’s not Shakespearean in magnitude. That’s fucking stupid. The only redeeming feature of the final action sequence is Penélope Cruz bent over in a tank top.

Sahara is the type of movie that aspires to nothing, and doesn’t even succeed at that. Even Penélope Cruz bent over in a tank top can’t salvage this wreck of a movie. However, it is enough to help Sahara avoid the dreaded Evil tiny head of Sergei Eisenstein. Penélope Cruz bent over in a tank top merits an automatic half a tiny head of Sergei Eisenstein. If only Penélope had spent more of the movie in a tank top with her hair down. (When she wears it back, I think she’s kinda funny looking (she has either really big ears or a really tiny head (or maybe both))) On my scale of one to five tiny heads of Sergei Eisenstein, I give Sahara a half a tiny head of Sergei Eisenstein. If you’re looking for a realistic, powerful and gripping action-adventure saga, avoid Sahara and rent xXx.