Read Andromache, a play by Euripides, today. Pretty kickass. And still relevant to today. But enough with the pithy sentence fragments.
Andromache tells the story of, not surprisingly, Andromache, the wife of Hector, who got his sorry ass chased, whooped and dragged around the walls of Troy by Achilles. After the war, Andromache is taken as a slave by Menelaus. Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But Shawn, how could that be? Menelaus was killed by Hector.” No! Bad idiot! Don’t believe everything you see in Troy. Menelaus did not die at Troy. He survived, almost killed Helen, but then she whipped out her titties and he spared her. Seriously. It’s in the play:
Then after capturing Troy,-for thither too will I accompany thee,-thou didst not slay that woman, when she was in thy power; but as soon as thine eyes caught sight of her breast, thy sword was dropped and thou didst take her kisses, fondling the shameless traitress, too weak to stem thy hot desire, thou caitiff wretch!
Peleus is such a badass in Andromache. But more on him later. So Menelaus drags Andromache back from Troy and gives her to Achilles’ son, Neoptolemus, who also happens to be the man that killed Andromache’s infant son. Talk about awkward. As if it’s not bad enough going from Princess of Troy to slave girl, but to be given to the dude who chucked your baby son off a damn wall? That’s cold, man. Ice cold. So naturally, there is some tension in the house of Neoptolemus.
Things get even more wacky when Neoptolemus marries Menelaus’ daughter Hermione, even though he has a son (the poorly named Molossus) with Andromache. He tries to make some babies with Hermione, but to no avail. Hermione blames her barren womb on Andromache. When Andromache opens, Andromache is seeking refuge in the temple of Thetis. Neoptolemus is off getting stoned, murdered and mutilated at the Oracle of Delphi, so Andromache has no help against the wrath of Hermione.
So Hermione comes up to the Temple of Thetis and is all like, “Bitch, come out of that temple so I can kill yo’ ass!” Andromache refuses. They discuss Hermione’s difficulty in conceiving a child, the differences between Greek and Trojan women and the psychotic jealous rage that fuels the actions of all women. But still, Andromache refuses to come out unless her safety is guaranteed.
So then Hermione gets really pissed off and is all like, “Bitch, if you don’t come out, I’m gonna burn this motherfucking temple down!” Andromache dares her to, knowing full well that Hermione won’t tempt the wrath of the Gods. The Menelaus shows up. That’s when the fun begins.
In Andromache, as in all Euripides’ works, Menelaus is a total dick. He’s such a dick, he doesn’t even need a chance to warm up. The second he enters the play, his dickishness is revealed for all to see. He goes up to the Temple, Molossus in hand, and is all like, “Bitch you better come out that temple and let my daughter kill yo’ ass or I’m gonna kill yo’ punk ass kid!” Andromache comes out. Then Menelaus, because he is a total dick, decides to kill both Andromache and Molossus. He ties them both up, but doesn’t get a chance to fulfil his dickish desires before Peleus shows up. As I mentioned before, Peleus is a total badass in this play.
Even though Peleus, Achilles’ father, is an old man in Andromache, the first thing he does is pick a fight with Menelaus. Then the unbinds Andromache and Molossus, daring any of Menelaus’ men to stop him. Total badass. If I were to direct a stage version of Andromache, Peleus would be played by Sam Jackson in whiteface.
Then comes the best part of the play: the war of words between Peleus and Menelaus. Their topics range from Menelaus’ heroics (or lack thereof) at Troy, the fact that all Spartan chicks are skank and Menelaus’ right to decide the fate of Andromache. Menelaus argues that since he captured Andromache, she is his to command. Peleus says that since Andromache was given to Neoptolemus, she is no longer Menelaus’ property. Menelaus says he’s going to take and kill Andromache anyway. Peleus threatens to whoop Menelaus’ ass with his old-man stick. Then Peleus calls Menelaus a pussy. This is when the play starts to lose focus, but not its entertainment value.
As much as I loved the speech where Peleus disses Menelaus, it is the beginning of the end of rationality for Andromache. Until this point, Euripides presents Andromache almost like a court case, with both side presenting their arguments, rebuttals and then threatening to set the other on fire. But once Peleus calls Menelaus a pussy, things get a little 24ish, with all sorts of random inexplicable shit happening, with complete disregard for logic and realism. It’s disappointing, although it is somewhat Shakespearean in magnitude.
First, Menelaus remembers about a city that’s been talking shit about Sparta. He says he’s going to go off and whoop their asses, then come back to finish what he started with Andromache. Then Hermione, suddenly realizing the errors of her ways, goes crazy, flashes her titties and tries to rip her own face off. Then Orestes shows up. He tells the story of how he arranged the murder of Neoptolemus and declares his life-long intention to marry Hermione, who is his cousin. Apparently, in ancient Greece, it was kind hard for a matricidal nutcase like Orestes to find a decent wife. Go figure. Then Thetis shows up and makes Peleus a God. The End.
Let’s review: catfight in a temple, dickhead Menelaus tries to commit ein Doppelmord, but is frightened by an old man. So far, so good. Then Orestes shows up, hot for his crazy cousin, Andromache goes off to marry her brother-in-law and Peleus, because he called Menelaus a pussy, gets to become a God. Still pretty damn good, even if it does get a little nutty towards the end. And it teaches an important lesson, as best expressed by Orestes: “An evil case indeed, for a man to have two wives!”
Now that’s some advice that the kids today can use. Polygamy is cool and all, but don’t keep the wives where they can try and set each other on fire. They have to be properly spaced. Its’ like Feng Shui, but with multiple wives instead of Ikea furniture.
More importantly, with Andromache, Euripides tells a story that remains relevant to this very day. Who among us hasn’t been faced with a stressful baby momma drama and an overbearing dickhead father-in-law? And I know all you cousin-fucking mother-killers out there have searched high and low for a quality role model, and here Euripides gives you the idol you’ve all been looking for. If the character of Orestes can help just one man fulfil his dream to kill his mother, marry his cousin and travel around the globe, haunted by madness, then Euripides will not have died in vain.
On my scale of one to five tiny Ludivine Sagniers, I give Andromache five tiny Ludivine Sagniers. Read it and relish in the ways Euripides makes Sophocles and even Aeschylus his bitches.
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