Madden No 7

The title of this post sounded much cleverer in my head. You see, Madden 07 came out yesterday and I’m attempting to make a play on words, switching the oh-seven to a no-seven. Unfortunately, No is also a common abbreviation for number, which might lead one to believe that I’m blogging about Madden #7. Then some random idiot will post an anonymous comment using a fake email address saying something along the lines of, “You are a douchebag. There have been more than seven Maddens. PS3 p0wnz Xbox, Again?!” So I just want everyone to know that I am not blogging about the seventh edition of Madden. I’m blogging about my intention to not play Madden 07 and using an ill-conceived pun to convey this intention.

Now many of you might be saying, “But Shawn, why don’t you want to play Madden? Everybody loves Madden.” I know. I was once the same way. Whenever a new Madden came out, I’d be all like, “Shit yeah! New Madden! This is gonna be a totally radical way to spend $50!” I would rush out to the local gaming emporium and purchase a copy, then run home to play a game between the retro Seahawks (God bless Steve Largent) and the most recent Super Bowl champion. In other words, I was huge into Madden. But no more. In my old age, I have grown a little bit wiser and I now realize that Madden is a complete scam.

Every year there is a new Madden. Every year people rush out to pay $50, $60 or even $70 to own a copy of the new Madden. And for what? Updated rosters? A new inconsistent and hard-to-follow camera angle? A “feature” which involves trading cards and decorating rooms with random crap? How can people not realize the bullshittery of all that? How can people continually think, as I once did, “Shit yeah! New Madden!”?

Of course, Madden wasn’t always this way. There was a time when Madden was all about running sweeps with Thurman Thomas and pounding the ‘C’ button. There was a time when Madden was all about bootlegging left and then throwing back across the field to a wide-open receiver. There was a time when Madden was all about calling a punt return defense on every single play. But not any more. Now there are hot routes and audible line shifts and realistic passing physics. In other words, Madden has forsaken everything which once made it awesome.

Where’s the fun in a game that has been designed to reward those who spend hours actually reading the instructions and/or practicing tutorials? That’s not what video games are about. Video games–even sports games–are about problem solving. The goal of every gamer should be to find the wacky inconsistencies of the game and exploit them to their fullest. Fill your video game baseball teams with knuckleballers and Noberto Martins. Use auto-aim to shoot unseen enemies in the fog. Kick people in the crotch. Well, that last one is more about real fighting, not fighting games. Although, how cool would it be if fighting games added a nadsmashing move? That’s not a rhetorical question. And would it be unfair for such a move to only effect the male characters? Or does getting kicked in the vagina hurt as much as getting kicked in the sack? Also not a rhetorical question. But I digress.

I suppose one could say that the flaws I see in Madden are applicable to all games. After all, most games nowadays seem to be either sequels, expansion packs or blatant uninspired first-person shooter ripoffs. Unless you enjoy not really playing the guitar or controlling little mutants that roll shit around, contemporary gaming doesn’t have that much to offer. Other than Oblivion, of course. That’s probably why I spend more time playing Gauntlet, Joust and Geometry Wars that I do playing games I spent sixty damn dollars on. And it’s why I’d rather spend my time playing Ghosts ‘N Goblins than Madden 07. Until Madden offer a mode where getting tackled knocks off the player’s clothes, I’m not going to bother with it.