Awesome Movie Review: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

I have never read any of C.S. Lewis’ novels. The only things I knew going into The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe were that the lion was Jesus and the titular wardrobe was probably a closet-type wardrobe, not a collection of clothes. I was definitely right about the wardrobe, but I’m not so sure about the lion-as-Jesus thing, but more on that later. I learned three things from watching The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, and I’d like to structure this Awesome Movie review around those three things, starting with the most trivial and moving on to the slightly less trivial.

I don’t care for the visual effects groups that worked on this film. It’s not that the special effects are overtly terrible–they’re actually quite good–but there were certain things that bothered me. For instance, there is a prominent little person role, yet it was not played by Deep Roy. Instead the role went to Kiran Shah, the poor man’s Deep Roy. And the Minotaurs look like shit. I don’t know about you idiots, but when I picture a Minotaur, I picture the body of a man with the head of a bull. That’s how the ancients imagined the Minotaur to look when they drew him on their jugs. But in Narnia, the Minotaurs are more like upright cows. There’s nothing that resembles the body of a man. It’s very disheartening.

As for the other mythological characters, they look pretty good. The centaurs look much better than the centaurs in Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. Now I’ve got nothing against Hercules–it’s by far the best mix of mythology, cheesy action and leather-clad sexy ladies that syndicated television has ever seen–but the special effects just can’t compare to those in Narnia.

In addition to the centaurs, there are a bunch of other creatures that don’t get all that much screen time. Satyrs, griffins and midgets pretending to be dwarves all see action in the penultimate battle scene. One of the characters that does get some quality screen time is Mr. Tumnus, a faun. A faun is kinda like a satyr, but not as horny. Or so one would think. Mr. Tumnus, however, is something of a closet perv. He invites a little girl (of an entirely different species(well, only half different, but it’s the important half)) into his home and drugs her, intending to kidnap her. These are not the actions of a harmless woodland sprite. These are the actions of a depraved pedophile, who probably wants to stick his fuzzy goat wang into that pasty little English girl. Tumnus even has a chance to make a move on Lucy’s pouty-lipped, almost legal older sister, but you can tell he still prefers Lucy. What a perv. Maybe one of you idiots who has actually skimmed through the entire Chronicles of Narnia series can let me know if Tumnus dies in the later novels. I hope he does. His kind has committed the double sin of lusting after a little girl and inspiring that awful Goat Boy sketch on Saturday Night Live.

At the start of this Awesome Movie Review, I mentioned that one of the two things I knew coming into The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, was that the lion, Aslan, is supposed to be Jesus. I don’t buy it. Sure, there are some superficial elements that mirror Christ’s death, but that’s all they are: superficial similarities. Aslan doesn’t give or sacrifice anything to his people. All he does is sit in his tent and let people speak of him in hushed tones. And he makes sure to leave for extended periods of time, just to add to the dramatic appearance of his role in Narnia. Aslan is a showman, not a saviour.

I know what you’re all thinking. You’re thinking, “But Shawn, what about when Aslan died for Edmund’s sin and then came back to life? That’s like what happened to Jesus!” That’s how many people might look at it, but it’s not how I see it. Aslan doesn’t sacrifice himself for anything. He knows that if an innocent is sacrificed in place of a traitor, that innocent will come back to life. He knows this because he was there when the laws were written. So he goes to the Stone Table knowing full well that he’s not going to really die. Of course the same could be said for Jesus as he said in John 10:17-18

Therefore doth the Father love me: because I lay down my life, that I may take it again. No man taketh it away from me: but I lay it down of myself. And I have power to lay it down: and I have power to take it up again. This commandment have I received of my Father. 

So while both Jesus and Aslan went to their deaths knowing they would live again, in Jesus’ case it was because of a divine blessing from God, but for Aslan, it was because of a loophole. Resurrection via a technicality does not earn someone Messiah points in my book. Aslan could have just as easily sent Edmund to the Stone Table, but let Lucy revive him with her magic potion. But no, the Great Mighty Aslan has to be the victim. He has to make a big scene about it and hear the lamentations of the women upon his corpse. What a dick. The only truly great and worthy thing he does is when he shows up at the end of the battle and eats out the White Witch. And yes, I know that’s a poorly phrased description, but I don’t care. Aslan doesn’t deserve any better.

The real saviour of Narnia is not Aslan, it’s Father Christmas. His return coincides with Aslan’s, and it’s Father Christmas’ absence that Tumnus uses to describe the joylessness of Narnia under the White Witch’s rule. And, unlike Aslan, Father Christmas provides the people of Narnia with the tools necessary to fight the White Witch. After all, it’s not Aslan that saves Edmund, it’s Lucy and her magic potion. And without the gifts Father Christmas gave Peter and Susan, there wouldn’t have been a victory for Aslan to vulture. Father Christmas is the real hero of Narnia. He brings hope and merriment to all the people and critters and he provides the means for the people to face their hardships and succeed, not just a symbol for people to stand around and admire.

Well, those are the three things I learned from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe: Rhythm & Hues, despite their technical prowess, need to brush up on their classics, Mr. Tumnus is a perv and Aslan isn’t Jesus, Santa is Jesus. Oh, and the movie is really good. I’d generally be wary of a movie that depends on the believability of four children and computer-generated beavers, but The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe doesn’t disappoint, except for the lack of Deep Roy. That’s unforgivable. On my scale of one to five tiny heads of Sergei Eisenstein, I give The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe four tiny heads of Sergei Eisenstein.