Awesome Movie Reviews
Awesome Movie Review: Black Snake Moan
I like porn. Some might say I love porn. Others might say I am addicted to porn. And some learnéd individuals might even say that my porn addiction is all-consuming and that I need a hobby or to learn how to interact socially with other human beings. In short, I am a fan of the naked ladies.
My dream in life is to lock Jennifer Love Hewitt in a cage in my basement. My favourite episode of Buffy is “Consequences,” where Angel chains Faith to a wall in his basement. In short, being that I possess none of the qualities that ladies find attractive, my ideal sexy lady is one who cannot run away.
Awesome Movie Review: Bottom of the Ninth
I am not a fan of anti-piracy ads on DVDs. Comparing the downloading of Delta Farce to ransacking the Kremlin is overwrought and misleading. Even though I can’t stand this type of scaremongering, I’ll admit that the maker of Bottom of the Ninth do a fairly decent job of it. Instead of accusing downloaders of committing heinous crimes, they present a title card that basically says, “This documentary was produced and financed independently. DVD revenue is a major source of our income. Please don’t steal from us.” That I can respect. Mild begging is far more effective than sensational accusations. In fact, the anti-piracy message in Bottom of the Ninth was so impressive, I have decided to give up my dream of become the world’s foremost purveyor of pirated short documentary DVDs.
Awesome Movie Review: 300
Saw the movie 300 in IMAX the other day. The last movie I saw in IMAX was Beavers at the Maryland Science Center. I have to say that IMAX 300 wasn’t nearly as impressive as those giant beavers. Back when Beavers came out, suburban theaters were tiny. An IMAX theater was the only place, other than an old movie palace in a big city, where one could see a movie on a truly big screen. Nowadays, theaters and screens are bigger and the sound is always way too fucking loud. So the tall IMAX screen and 12,000 watts of bass really isn’t all that impressive anymore. It’s a good thing I paid for the movie and popcorn with some gift cards, otherwise I would have felt ripped off.
But I’m not going to judge 300 based on the fading relevance of a once-great theater experience. Instead, I’ll judge the film based on its highly unoriginal qualities.
Awesome Movie Review: Goyôkiba: Kamisori Hanzô jigoku zeme
How long did it take me to realize that Hanzo the Razor: Sword of Justice would be a totally rockin’ flick? About 15 seconds. From the opening credits, with its funky 70′s score and a split-screen montage of Shintarô Katsu strutting his badass samurai stuff, I knew this movie could do no wrong. What I did not realize in those first 15 seconds, however, was that I was about to watch a movie that could easily be described as a bizarre and fucked-up samurai version of 24.
Awesome Movie Review: Running on Karma
Before I get too far into this Awesome Movie Review, I should warn you that the movie I’ll be awesomely reviewing contains graphic depictions of latex man ass. Lots of latex man ass. And it’s not the good kind of latex man ass, either. Actually, there really is no good kind of latex man ass. However, the latex man ass in Running on Karma is not nearly as gratuitous as most graphic depictions of latex man ass. One could argue that the latex man ass is essential to the plot. You see, the hero of Running on Karma is a character named Big, a name he earned by being wicked large. Big is played by Hong Kong superstar Andy Lau, who, despite being super awesome and all that, is not very big. In order to accurately depict the wicked largeness of his character, Andy Lau dons a latex muscle suit, which includes the aforementioned latex man ass.
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