i am not scaremongering
We’re Through The Looking Glass Here People
The pieces are beginning to come together in the vast monkey conspiracy. People never believe me when I say that monkeys are planning to take over the world, most likely through the impersonation of Johnny Depp. Now they’ll have no choice to accept the truth. The onset of the monkey revolution is coming, and I have the proof. That’s right, idiots, the Chinese have banned The Simpsons from prime time television.
Natalie Portman is Dead To Me
I’m so disappointed in Natalie Portman. Short hair and cavorting with a monkey billboard? Not cool, Natalie. Not cool. And it looks like I’ll have to swear off Coca-Cola products as well. Using a monkey to promote products is bad enough, but clothing a monkey is unforgivable. Monkeys are not little people. They should not wear clothes. They should not promote soft drinks. And they should not cavort with Natalie Portman.
I can’t believe I once said that the only decent thing about the Star Wars prequels was Natalie Portman chained to a post. And I can’t believe I used to wear a free Coca-Cola t-shirt. Forgive me, world. I was so very, very wrong.
Bears 1 Monkeys 0
Thank Morrissey for little bears. Without them, who would eat the monkeys? Yes, these Dutch bears with a serious case of the monkey munchies are my new heroes. They have done humanity–and bearmanity–a great service with their remorseless slaughter of a nefarious, scheming little monkey. Kudos to you, Dutch bears.
As an added bonus, these bears killed and ate the monkey in front of zoo visitors. That’s fantastic, absolutely fantastic. For far too long, zoos have been the main source of monkey coddling and cutification. Ignorant little fat children go to the zoo and are presented with false impression that monkeys are cute and playful. This false indoctrination influences the way children see monkeys for the rest of their lives. And, more to the point, it’s what the monkeys want.
It Begins
It’s here. The monkey uprising that I have long cautioned against, only to have my warnings laughed at or ignored, may have just begun, in Sierra Leone, of all places. The leaders of this chimp insurgence, Bruno and Philip, are still on the lam, as are some 20 other chimp terrorists, who broke from the poorly secured confines of the zoo, murdered a taxi driver and mauled three Americans. That’s right, idiots, the monkeys are attacking honest American citizens. Yes, I realize that these three men put themselves in harm’s way by not recognizing the danger of monkeys. They should have known better than to treat monkeys as a tourist attraction, rather than as the vicious duplicitous marauding threat they actually are.
Jessica Alba Is Right
Although I can’t confirm this because I don’t have cable, apparently Jessica Alba kissed a monkey on the MTV Movie Awards. More importantly, she was forced to kiss the monkey. Here is how Ms. Alba described her ordeal:
It was awful. All of a sudden there was a monkey in my arms and I had to do a clip for ‘most romantic moment’ award at the MTV movie awards. So the monkey’s in my arms and I’m supposed to give her a peck.She opened her mouth and her tongue is scraping against my teeth. Monkeys’ teeth are really long, kind of like a snake. Then I had to do it again and she grabbed both of my ears and screamed in my face and showed me all of her teeth.
I thought she was going to bite my face off. I think monkeys should be left in trees.
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