i am the second coming of lord byron
A One-Act Play In Which I Attempt To Console Two Sobbing Children
ME: Hey kid, why are you crying?
Sobbing Child 1: I want my mommy!
Sobbing Child 2: I want to go home! I don’t like it here!
ME: It’s school, no one likes it here.
SC1: I want my mommy!
SC2: I need to go to the nurse!
ME: Are you sick?
SC2: I want to call my mommy so she can take me home.
SC1: I wanna go home!
ME: Listen, kids, they’re not going to let you go home unless you’re sick. If they let every kid just go home, there wouldn’t be anybody left in school. Then they’d have to close the school down, I’d be out of a job, I wouldn’t have any money for food, and I’d die alone in the streets. You don’t want me to die, do you?
SC2: I don’t like it here!
SC1: Yeah, it’s haunted here!
One-Act Play Set In A Chinese Aquarium
Chinese Fish Doctor 1: Hey Dr. Lee, what do you think is wrong with those dolphins?
Chinese Fish Doctor 2: I don’t know, Dr. Li. They have looked pretty down lately.
CFD 1: Should we cook them?
CFD 2: No. I think they might have something stuck in their stomachs.
CFD 1: You mean like maybe five children, a goat and a rock?
CFD 2: Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck is wrong with you?
CFD 1: Well, I just thought maybe…
CFD 2: I know what you thought. You thought, “Oh look at me! I’m Dr. Li and used to watch Hercules: The Legendary Journeys ’cause that chick who played Aphrodite had a kickin’ rack, so now I’m going to drop all sorts of mythology references, regardless of whether the situation even warrants such references.”
CFD 1: Dude…
Your Guide to the Ultimate TRP Costume
So Halloween is right around the corner and I’m sure most of you idiots are scrambling for a costume. You’re probably thinking, “Oh, I’ll just go to Party City and pick up a cheap Fatty Arbuckle costume.” But that’s not going to work. There’s no way Party City will have any Fatty Arbuckle costumes left this close to Halloween. But you can still go to any local supermarket and get yourself a brown paper bag, a black magic marker and make yourself your own Thomas Pynchon costume. Just cut some holes for eyes, draw the question mark as shown in the picture and–Voila!–your the TRP. Or, I should say, you’ll look like Thomas Pynchon, but a Thomas Pynchon costume is about so much more than a paper bag over your head.
One-Act Play In Which I Am A Shirtless Denim Model And You Are An Idiot
ME: Boy, it sure is great being a shirtless denim model. I get to stand out here in the middle of some vast empty desert wasteland. Just me and my denim jeans. Not a shirt to be found. This is the life every man dreams of.
Enter YOU
YOU: Hey, you really should be wearing a shirt out here.
ME: Nuts to you, idiot! I’m a shirtless denim model. My very nature forbids me from wearing a shirt.
YOU: Well, standing out here in this vast empty desert wasteland without a shirt is a good way to get a nasty sunburn.
ME: Poppycock! I am a shirtless denim model, the sun cannot harm me!
YOU: Oh yeah? What about the time you drove from Jersey to Arizona with your window open most of the time? Your left arm and the left side of your face were beet red, so just think what would happen if you don’t put on a shirt.
Recent Comments