I am the man who will fight for your honour » Xbox, Again?

The Bushification of Video Games

shawn — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 16:54:07 +0000

So there I was, enjoying a nice gaming session of Red Dead Redemption, when I stumbled upon a Generalissimo seeking my help killing people and burning a town. Since killing people and destroying towns are the two main reasons I love playing video games, I gladly accepted. I went through the town killing people and horses and setting buildings on fire. (Setting horses on fire was not as impressive as I expected it to be.) The Generalissimo rewarded me with a new gun and a few dollars, and the Nosalida Complete screen appeared. “Cool,” I thought, “another mission under my belt.” And off I went, to hunt raccoons and whatnot. So imagine my surprise when another mission sent me back to Nosalida where, once again, the Generalissimo was all like, “Hey amigo, we need your help!” It was as if the mission I completed earlier had never happened. Nosalidas Complete was a lie.

One of the major selling points of a game like Red Dead Redemption is the open-ended, or sandbox, nature of the game. Yes, there’s a story-based main quest line, but there are also a variety of side quests that a player can explore and discover on his own. But really, as my faux Nosalidas Complete incident shows, a game like Red Dead Redemption is just as linear and programmer-dictated as any other. My open-ended exploring caused me to complete a mission before I was supposed to, so I had to do it again, all so the throwaway bit of dialogue mentioning problem in Nosalidas would make sense. Rather than calling Red Dead Redemption a sandbox game, I propose it and other games of its ilk be called quagmire games.

A sandbox game suggests a child-like joy in creative play. That is not what games like Red Dead Redemption are. A quagmire game suggests a nebulous and misguided time-suck, where the objectives are never what they seem to be. After all, what is the point of playing Red Dead Redemption? Is it to complete the main story quest? Of course not. The point of such games is not the stupid main quest, but the side quests and exploration. But what are the side quests? Delivery packages, picking flowers, hunting skunks, and a variety of other simplistically repetitive tasks. Such activities don’t deserved to be compared to the creative freedom of a sandbox. Such activities are closer to a maze for lab rats than a sandbox. Pick flowers, get a pellet. Shoot skunks, get a pellet. And so on.

Video games used to about challenges. Metal Gear was hard. Bubble Bubble was hard. Battletoads was, well don’t even get me started on Battletoads. The games were linear, all about getting from point A to point B, but there was a challenge in doing that. Now games are quagmires, not about getting from point A to point B, but pressing A when the little pop-up on the screen tells you to or pressing B when the little pop-up on the screen tells you to. Naturally, this isn’t true about all games. When I blew up Megaton in Fallout 3, it stayed blowed up. A game like Civilization is about far more than following on-screen tutorials. But too many of the super popular games, the games that dictate what the sequel and derivative obsessed game studios will continue to make, reward repetitive behaviour, rather than creativity or imagination. Even if I liked the Call of Duty games, I couldn’t play them, because I don’t have the time to memorize levels and do all the other rat-running-a-maze tasks that online play rewards. Video games have become anti-intellectual time wasters, the very distractions video game opponents used to claim they were. Games are mislabeled as open-ended, or free-roaming, or sandbox, when really you’re just doing the same three tasks over and over and over again. When it comes to games like Red Dead Redemption, the game is a lie.

BioSchlock

shawn — Sun, 19 Aug 2007 01:02:30 +0000

I apologise for the title of this post. It sounds like something out of Mad Magazine. Actually, it’s not even that good. It’s like something out of Cracked, the magazine, not the website. The Cracked website titles all their posts in the “The n Most x y, where n is a number, x is an adjective, and y is an element of pop culture that is meant to seem ironic. But I digress.

The title of this post is so terrible for two reasons: 1. Everything on this blog is terrible and 2. I actually enjoyed playing the BioShock demo. Much has been written already about BioShock, but I have tried not to read it. Writing about video games tend to range from blatant marketing boilerplate (“BioShock is a revolution in the shooter genre that will forever change the expectations for the FPS”) to shameless, unsubstantiated fanboy masturbation (“An unparalleled achievement. No other game comes even remotely close to it in terms of raw emotional connection.”). Avoiding all the “literature” about BioShock left me a little in the dark as to what the game is actually about. After playing through the demo, however, I’m pretty sure BioShock will be a pretty rockin’ game.

Now, some of you are probably saying, “But Shawn, the BioShock demo was short, basically a tutorial. You can’t possibly make a judgment of the game as whole based on such a small sample!” Yes I can. BioShock features the classic stun-and-smash style of gameplay that I find so endearing. You use your genetically-enhanced powers to stun enemies, then run up and beat the shit out of them with a wrench. And, judging from the trailer that ended the demo, the character will eventually gain the abilities to freeze and/or burn enemies before running up and beating the shit out of them with a wrench. I always enjoy such diverse gameplay.

But the thing that really sold me on BioShock was the little girl. In the demo, there is a little girl followed around by a giant robot. This girl possesses some sort of powerful something or other, which is why she needs a giant robot bodyguard. It’s clear from the trailer that the giant robots are enemies, so it stands to reason that the little girl is also an enemy. So basically, BioShock is a game about fighting off giant robots so you can murder a little girl and steal her mysterious powers.

Let’s be honest with each other, everyone has the primal urge to murder small children, especially children guarded by giant robots. But, as mature and largely law-abiding members of society, most of us repress those urges and actively avoid hunting down and murdering little girls. Just as the Grand Theft Auto games let us live out all our tank-stealing fantasies, and just as Ocarina of Time gave us a means to repeatedly kick chickens, without the societal or legal ramifications we would face in the real world, it looks like BioShock will be the game that finally allows us to freeze, electrocute, and/or napalm small children. And it’s about damn time.

Let The Countdown Begin

shawn — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 02:14:38 +0000

November 19th, idiots, that’s the day video gaming as we know it will be forever changed. November 19th is the day when The King, of Burger King fame, will make his gaming debut, on both the Xbox and the Xbox, Again?. I can’t wait. I want to be the first person on my block to command the Subservient Chicken and bump Brooke Burke into submission. Once I get a few more rolls of duct tape, I’m going to try to finish my time machine, so I can go into the future and get the games before everyone else. For those of you too lazy or illiterate to read the linked article, here are the descriptions of the three games, with the appropriate emphasis added:

“Pocketbike Racer” – In the wild world of Pocketbike racing, players race the King and his miniature motorbike crew through five fun, yet challenging speedways. Each track varies in level of difficulty, and players navigate long straights, tight bends and sharp turns at high speeds while attempting to earn enhancements and tools that they can use as an advantage over opponents. Featuring HAVE IT YOUR WAY® customization options, players select a bike and a driver and then hit the track of their choice — a BURGER KING® restaurant parking lot, a construction site, a backyard, the King’s garden or the Fantasy Ranch set. In addition to individual play, four players can race against each other in classic split-screen set-up, or eight players can battle it out online using XBOX Live.

“Big Bumpin’” – Big Bumpin’ looks like a traditional carnival bumper car ride and features familiar BURGER KING® personalities, including the Subservient Chicken and Brooke Burke. But, there’s a catch – Big Bumpin’ arenas come with some big hazards, like surprise saws, bottomless pits and “power up” items that let gamers dole out thundering bumps. With several different types of game play, gamers have a chance to hone their bumper car skills in a variety of challenging scenarios. The game features five theme parks, including the “Ice Box,” “Broiler,” “King’s Court,” “The Deep” and “Monsoon of Doom,” and multiple modes of play for each, such as intense four-player and XBOX Live-supported. Easy to learn. Fun to play. Difficult to avoid a major crash.

“Sneak King” – Players step into the King’s royal shoes and use cunning and stealth to sneak up behind unsuspecting people and bestow them with a delicious meal. The goal of Sneak King is to surprise hungry citizens with BURGER KING® sandwiches and other menu items before they pass out from hunger. Whether in a logging yard, construction site, suburban neighborhood or downtown urban scene — each rich with detail and hidden pathways — players can hide out and earn points based on how elaborately the delivery is executed.

I am not joking when I say that these games will revolutionize the gaming industry. The release period of the games should coincide with the debuts of the both the PS3 and the Wii, which will put gamers in a difficult bind. Naturally those of us who value innovation, imagination and hiding in garbage cans will support the King. Those who cream their cords over gimmicky controllers and survival horror trash will waste their monies on the PS3 or Wii. The King will separate the gaming wheat from the gaming chaff. Support the King and you support the purity of gaming, gaming as it was meant to be: fun and silly and just a little bit creepy. Buy a Wii or a PS3 and you support the homogenized frat boy rubbish that gaming has become.

Mark my words idiots: these three games from Burger King will the greatest additions to the promotional tie-in genre of gaming since Moonwalker, which just happens to be the greatest dance fighting game of all time. I say support the King, for apparently they have very clever and creative people working for them over at Burger King, something that cannot be said about most other fast food chains.

Madden No 7

shawn — Thu, 24 Aug 2006 05:08:04 +0000

The title of this post sounded much cleverer in my head. You see, Madden 07 came out yesterday and I’m attempting to make a play on words, switching the oh-seven to a no-seven. Unfortunately, No is also a common abbreviation for number, which might lead one to believe that I’m blogging about Madden #7. Then some random idiot will post an anonymous comment using a fake email address saying something along the lines of, “You are a douchebag. There have been more than seven Maddens. PS3 p0wnz Xbox, Again?!” So I just want everyone to know that I am not blogging about the seventh edition of Madden. I’m blogging about my intention to not play Madden 07 and using an ill-conceived pun to convey this intention.

Now many of you might be saying, “But Shawn, why don’t you want to play Madden? Everybody loves Madden.” I know. I was once the same way. Whenever a new Madden came out, I’d be all like, “Shit yeah! New Madden! This is gonna be a totally radical way to spend $50!” I would rush out to the local gaming emporium and purchase a copy, then run home to play a game between the retro Seahawks (God bless Steve Largent) and the most recent Super Bowl champion. In other words, I was huge into Madden. But no more. In my old age, I have grown a little bit wiser and I now realize that Madden is a complete scam.

Every year there is a new Madden. Every year people rush out to pay $50, $60 or even $70 to own a copy of the new Madden. And for what? Updated rosters? A new inconsistent and hard-to-follow camera angle? A “feature” which involves trading cards and decorating rooms with random crap? How can people not realize the bullshittery of all that? How can people continually think, as I once did, “Shit yeah! New Madden!”?

Of course, Madden wasn’t always this way. There was a time when Madden was all about running sweeps with Thurman Thomas and pounding the ‘C’ button. There was a time when Madden was all about bootlegging left and then throwing back across the field to a wide-open receiver. There was a time when Madden was all about calling a punt return defense on every single play. But not any more. Now there are hot routes and audible line shifts and realistic passing physics. In other words, Madden has forsaken everything which once made it awesome.

Where’s the fun in a game that has been designed to reward those who spend hours actually reading the instructions and/or practicing tutorials? That’s not what video games are about. Video games–even sports games–are about problem solving. The goal of every gamer should be to find the wacky inconsistencies of the game and exploit them to their fullest. Fill your video game baseball teams with knuckleballers and Noberto Martins. Use auto-aim to shoot unseen enemies in the fog. Kick people in the crotch. Well, that last one is more about real fighting, not fighting games. Although, how cool would it be if fighting games added a nadsmashing move? That’s not a rhetorical question. And would it be unfair for such a move to only effect the male characters? Or does getting kicked in the vagina hurt as much as getting kicked in the sack? Also not a rhetorical question. But I digress.

I suppose one could say that the flaws I see in Madden are applicable to all games. After all, most games nowadays seem to be either sequels, expansion packs or blatant uninspired first-person shooter ripoffs. Unless you enjoy not really playing the guitar or controlling little mutants that roll shit around, contemporary gaming doesn’t have that much to offer. Other than Oblivion, of course. That’s probably why I spend more time playing Gauntlet, Joust and Geometry Wars that I do playing games I spent sixty damn dollars on. And it’s why I’d rather spend my time playing Ghosts ‘N Goblins than Madden 07. Until Madden offer a mode where getting tackled knocks off the player’s clothes, I’m not going to bother with it.