March 2006
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One-Act Play In Which I Am A Shirtless Denim Model And You Are An Idiot
ME: Boy, it sure is great being a shirtless denim model. I get to stand out here in the middle of some vast empty desert wasteland. Just me and my denim jeans. Not a shirt to be found. This is the life every man dreams of.
Enter YOU
YOU: Hey, you really should be wearing a shirt out here.
ME: Nuts to you, idiot! I’m a shirtless denim model. My very nature forbids me from wearing a shirt.
YOU: Well, standing out here in this vast empty desert wasteland without a shirt is a good way to get a nasty sunburn.
ME: Poppycock! I am a shirtless denim model, the sun cannot harm me!
YOU: Oh yeah? What about the time you drove from Jersey to Arizona with your window open most of the time? Your left arm and the left side of your face were beet red, so just think what would happen if you don’t put on a shirt.
Awesome Movie Review: Domino
I have a theory about film. I call it The Dabney Coleman Theory. The Dabney Coleman Theory postulates that any movies with Dabney Coleman will unequivocally suck. The exception to the Dabney Coleman Theory–the exception that proves the rule, if you will–is The Man With One Red Shoe. The Man With One Red Shoe is, despite the presence of Dabney Coleman, a masterpiece of the 1980’s spy comedy genre. Unfortunately, Domino continues Dabney Coleman’s career long trend of appearing in terrible movies.
I ♥ Munenori Kawasaki
By now, I’m sure all you idiots are well aware that Team Japan got hosed by the umps in a game against Team USA yesterday. For those of you who missed it, the Americans claimed Tsuyoshi Nishioka tagged up too early. Replays showed otherwise. Even though preliminary TiVo research by our very own Emaciated led him to conclude, “I don’t think we can trust the replays,” there’s no doubt in my mind that Nishioka’s run was completely legit. The ump screwed up and Team Japan, of whom I am an official supporter (I bought a Team Japan Ichiro! t-shirt) ended up losing.
Monkeys Are No Kitten Lovers
What’s worse than a monkey? A happy monkey. A happy monkey is a dangerous monkey. Well, all monkeys are dangerous, but happy monkeys are the worst, as they are the most deceitful of the monkeys. So it boggles the mind to wonder why, in Morrissey’s name, a zookeeper would try to brighten up the life of an elderly monkey by giving it a pet cat. Does the zookeeper want the monkeys to overrun us all? Does he want to lie, maimed and bleeding, as the monkeys dry hump the corpses of all those he holds dear? I should certainly hope not, else the zookeeper is no better than a monkey himself.
Awesome Movie Review: Sahara
Sahara is a lame movie, for a variety of reasons that I will attempt to address in this post. The lameness of Sahara begins even before the actual movie starts, as Paramount decided to slap on that silly “Piracy is a crime” ad. You’ve probably seen it on other DVDs. It says stuff like, “You wouldn’t steal a purse” and “You wouldn’t steal a cell phone” and other nonsense like that. I already have a cell phone, so of course I’m not going to steal one. And men don’t carry purses. Although I could use a backpack. But I can’t steal a backpack. In order to steal a backpack, I’d need a backpack to put it inside. So unless I can find some way to make a backpack collapse in upon itself, I won’t be stealing one anytime soon. But I’ve got no problem stealing movies off the Internet. Paramount can suck it, and by ‘it’ I mean genitalia.
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