March 2006

I have a theory about film. I call it The Dabney Coleman Theory. The Dabney Coleman Theory postulates that any movies with Dabney Coleman will unequivocally suck. The exception to the Dabney Coleman Theory–the exception that proves the rule, if you will–is The Man With One Red Shoe. The Man With One Red Shoe is, despite the presence of Dabney Coleman, a masterpiece of the 1980′s spy comedy genre. Unfortunately, Domino continues Dabney Coleman’s career long trend of appearing in terrible movies.

Sahara is a lame movie, for a variety of reasons that I will attempt to address in this post. The lameness of Sahara begins even before the actual movie starts, as Paramount decided to slap on that silly “Piracy is a crime” ad. You’ve probably seen it on other DVDs. It says stuff like, “You wouldn’t steal a purse” and “You wouldn’t steal a cell phone” and other nonsense like that. I already have a cell phone, so of course I’m not going to steal one. And men don’t carry purses. Although I could use a backpack. But I can’t steal a backpack. In order to steal a backpack, I’d need a backpack to put it inside. So unless I can find some way to make a backpack collapse in upon itself, I won’t be stealing one anytime soon. But I’ve got no problem stealing movies off the Internet. Paramount can suck it, and by ‘it’ I mean genitalia.