April 2006
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It Begins
It’s here. The monkey uprising that I have long cautioned against, only to have my warnings laughed at or ignored, may have just begun, in Sierra Leone, of all places. The leaders of this chimp insurgence, Bruno and Philip, are still on the lam, as are some 20 other chimp terrorists, who broke from the poorly secured confines of the zoo, murdered a taxi driver and mauled three Americans. That’s right, idiots, the monkeys are attacking honest American citizens. Yes, I realize that these three men put themselves in harm’s way by not recognizing the danger of monkeys. They should have known better than to treat monkeys as a tourist attraction, rather than as the vicious duplicitous marauding threat they actually are.
Awesome Movie Review: Doom
Ahh, Doom. It seems like just yesterday I was in high school, getting a fistful of floppies from a friend, and going home to fire up the modem for some hardcore 28.8 baud action. Doom was the shit, at least until Duke Nukem 3D came out. Even sawing up demons with a chainsaw can’t beat using a toilet and giving a stripper $1. Those are the type of things that make a first-person shooter memorable. It’s been so long since the days of Doom that I can’t even remember the exact plot of the game. I’m pretty sure it involved killing demons on Mars and trying to stop them from getting to Earth. I also remember shooting chickens out of a rocket launcher and unlocking secret videos of naked Pam Anderson. Sadly, there are no chicken launchers in Doom. But thankfully, there’s also no naked Pam Anderson.
Jessica Alba Is Right
Although I can’t confirm this because I don’t have cable, apparently Jessica Alba kissed a monkey on the MTV Movie Awards. More importantly, she was forced to kiss the monkey. Here is how Ms. Alba described her ordeal:
It was awful. All of a sudden there was a monkey in my arms and I had to do a clip for ‘most romantic moment’ award at the MTV movie awards. So the monkey’s in my arms and I’m supposed to give her a peck.She opened her mouth and her tongue is scraping against my teeth. Monkeys’ teeth are really long, kind of like a snake. Then I had to do it again and she grabbed both of my ears and screamed in my face and showed me all of her teeth.
I thought she was going to bite my face off. I think monkeys should be left in trees.
Opening Day Rant
It’s Opening Day in baseball today, and I’m ready to freakin’ kill somebody. Preferably the person responsible for mlb.tv. I paid $80 to watch baseball games online, yet now I’m unable to since the cockchafers at mlb.tv decided to make it incompatible with Linux. This is a recent development. Not more than a few weeks ago, I was able to watch Spring Training games and the World Baseball Classic using a variety of multimedia plugins. Now, not so much.
As if adding insult to injury, mlb.tv also decided to flashify everything. It’s 2006, who the fuck uses flash? Flash is garbage. Flash has always been garbage. Flash makes the Internet unbearable. But it does allow for a little “Boss” button on the mlb.tv page. What is a “Boss” button, you might ask. Well, it’s a little button that you click on and the baseball game window changes into a fake Word document. What kind of Word document? A fake nomination letter to bestbossever.com That is–pardon the expression–gay.
I Am Poor
This is not an April Fool’s Day joke. I am in desperate need of money. For those of you who don’t already know, I earn a meager wage breakdancing in the food court at the mall. I’d wager there are idiots reading this blog who make more in a week than I do in a month. Recently, it’s become very hard to make ends meet and keep this blog up and running. Blogging ain’t cheap. I pay for the hamsters that power my webserver. I pay for the zebu blood that lubricates the exercise wheels of the hamsters that power the webserver. And I pay for the feed cost of the zebus whose blood lubricates the exercise wheels of the hamsters that power my webserver. Zebus ain’t cheap. And it’s not like you can just walk into a PetSmart and buy a zebu. Sure, every other Saturday the local PetSmart has a zebu adoption day, but those people are always asking all sorts of questions.
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