May 2006
You are browsing the archive for May 2006.
Ben Affleck and Organized Pedophila
Ben Affleck is a pussy. He goes to hospital because he has a headache. What a pussy. You know what I do when I have a headache? I take a half dozen ibuprofen and suck it up. But Ben Affleck, being such a giant pussy, has to go to the emergency room. So instead of treating victims of the random drunken violence that I assume rages on non-stop in Cambridge, Mass., the emergency room doctors had to waste their valuable time and skills giving Affleck some Advil and a cold washcloth to put on his forehead. I’m not sure if anyone died yesterday in the vicinity of Cambridge, but if someone did, it’s Affleck’s fault. Their blood is on his hands.
Awesome Movie Review: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
I have never read any of C.S. Lewis’ novels. The only things I knew going into The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe were that the lion was Jesus and the titular wardrobe was probably a closet-type wardrobe, not a collection of clothes. I was definitely right about the wardrobe, but I’m not so sure about the lion-as-Jesus thing, but more on that later. I learned three things from watching The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, and I’d like to structure this Awesome Movie review around those three things, starting with the most trivial and moving on to the slightly less trivial.
Awesome Movie Review: The Ringer
At the risk of stating the obvious, I’d like to state the obvious point that The Ringer shares a similar plot to the “Up The Down Steroid” episode of South Park. Now South Park can bust out episodes pretty quickly (Do you remember where you were when you realized just how quickly they tossed in an Elian Gonzales reference?), so I don’t know which went into production first. I suppose it doesn’t really matter. The South Park episode came out first, and it set the standard upon which all comedies based on regular people posing as the mentally handicapped to win the Special Olympics must be judged. And really, there’s not much similarity between The Ringer and “Up The Down Steroid.” Both use the fixing the Special Olympics as a starting point for something entirely different.
I ♥ Beef Fried Rice
Beef fried rice rocks my world. If Jesus, Ichiro! and Christopher Lee were each a type of fried rice, they’d all be beef fried rice. If Ben Affleck, Derek Jeter and Zombie Hitler were a type of fried rice, they’d all be pork fried rice. Pork fried rice can kiss my ass.
Bears 1 Monkeys 0
Thank Morrissey for little bears. Without them, who would eat the monkeys? Yes, these Dutch bears with a serious case of the monkey munchies are my new heroes. They have done humanity–and bearmanity–a great service with their remorseless slaughter of a nefarious, scheming little monkey. Kudos to you, Dutch bears.
As an added bonus, these bears killed and ate the monkey in front of zoo visitors. That’s fantastic, absolutely fantastic. For far too long, zoos have been the main source of monkey coddling and cutification. Ignorant little fat children go to the zoo and are presented with false impression that monkeys are cute and playful. This false indoctrination influences the way children see monkeys for the rest of their lives. And, more to the point, it’s what the monkeys want.
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