May 2006
You are browsing the archive for May 2006.
Ben Affleck and Organized Pedophila
Ben Affleck is a pussy. He goes to hospital because he has a headache. What a pussy. You know what I do when I have a headache? I take a half dozen ibuprofen and suck it up. But Ben Affleck, being such a giant pussy, has to go to the emergency room. So instead of treating victims of the random drunken violence that I assume rages on non-stop in Cambridge, Mass., the emergency room doctors had to waste their valuable time and skills giving Affleck some Advil and a cold washcloth to put on his forehead. I’m not sure if anyone died yesterday in the vicinity of Cambridge, but if someone did, it’s Affleck’s fault. Their blood is on his hands.
Awesome Movie Review: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
I have never read any of C.S. Lewis’ novels. The only things I knew going into The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe were that the lion was Jesus and the titular wardrobe was probably a closet-type wardrobe, not a collection of clothes. I was definitely right about the wardrobe, but I’m not so sure about the lion-as-Jesus thing, but more on that later. I learned three things from watching The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, and I’d like to structure this Awesome Movie review around those three things, starting with the most trivial and moving on to the slightly less trivial.
Awesome Movie Review: The Ringer
At the risk of stating the obvious, I’d like to state the obvious point that The Ringer shares a similar plot to the “Up The Down Steroid” episode of South Park. Now South Park can bust out episodes pretty quickly (Do you remember where you were when you realized just how quickly they tossed in an Elian Gonzales reference?), so I don’t know which went into production first. I suppose it doesn’t really matter. The South Park episode came out first, and it set the standard upon which all comedies based on regular people posing as the mentally handicapped to win the Special Olympics must be judged. And really, there’s not much similarity between The Ringer and “Up The Down Steroid.” Both use the fixing the Special Olympics as a starting point for something entirely different.
I ♥ Beef Fried Rice
Beef fried rice rocks my world. If Jesus, Ichiro! and Christopher Lee were each a type of fried rice, they’d all be beef fried rice. If Ben Affleck, Derek Jeter and Zombie Hitler were a type of fried rice, they’d all be pork fried rice. Pork fried rice can kiss my ass.
Poolside Book Review: McSweeney’s 19
I don’t know why I continue to subscribe to McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern. I used to enjoy receiving semi-regular collections of short fiction. The stories were usually interesting and the volumes themselves, whether hardbound or paperback, were always of the highest quality. Unfortunately, ever since around Issue 16, things have been going to shit.
Issue 17 was a packet of faux junk mail rubber-banded together. Yes, there was some quality stuff, but just how am I supposed to store junk mail on my bookshelf? I can’t. I should just throw the damn thing out. When I received Issue 19 this morning, I was pleasantly surprised that it came in a square, fairly book-shaped box. But I soon learned that a book-shaped box does not necessarily indicate the presence of a traditional book. Issue 19 is a cigar box.
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